Me. At least after what I've been through.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
