I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
