drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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