Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
