when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
