you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
