i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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