i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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