you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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