Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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