If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
