You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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