You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
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