You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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