You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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