Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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