I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
