I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
