last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
