I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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