I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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