She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
