I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
