The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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