OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
