so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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