I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We left an ass print on the piano.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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