Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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