Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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