your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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