just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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