Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
