sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Found the puke drawer
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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