Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
