Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize