I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
