oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize