Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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