Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
