Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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