Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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