just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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