apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize