U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
