My hand turned me down
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
