I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
