There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
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Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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