I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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