Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
