I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
