i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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