it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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