Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
