Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
