Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
